Saturday, 16 October 2010

Kristen Battestella

Ixnay the Glittery Vamps! Another letter of protest from beloved daughter of The Vampire Family, Victoria.

Every Autumn we go through this. This year my August hibernation was even ruined by the early commercialization of Halloween. Pushing out your Fourth of July clearance, really? Come on now. Now that our chronicler Professor James is hell bent on making his millions with Fate and Fangs, a collection of our journals and diaries (he already had the plastic surgery and gastric bypass so he has to pay for all that somehow!) the grating of vampire pop has returned. I can't go out to eat in the alley after having some merlot in a fine restaurant without pedestrians gawking and pointing, "Oooo like Twlight!". These little girls that they keep recasting are imitating me thankyouverymuch! In fact, here's the Professor's own words introducing Fate and Fangs as proof:

Forward by Professor A. James
In 1975 I acquired a collection of antique, but damaged manuscripts after a mysterious fire beguiled the dim British authorities for four years. Somewhere along the frontier between England and Wales, in a crumbled vault beneath a burned mansion; dozens of leather bound journals, diaries, and books were rescued. Their contents were fantastical: histories, ages of vampiric accounts, coven wars, and abstract chronicles. The police, of course, uneducated in such matters of the occult or the unexplained, found the material rubbish against their modern case in need of evidence and forensics.
Fortunately, in my subsequent studies and adventures, I have found that truth is indeed stranger than fiction. You must forgive me the cliché, but my analysis and preservation of these personal antiquities has brought me to new heights of bizarrity, both on the page and in the flesh. I thought I was a wise, aware professor knowing beyond the day-to-day world before I came to read of this twisted Vampire Family. My pride was in err.
After several lengthy years of study and a very slow restoration process on the oldest documents, I succumbed to an offer of assistance from a student named Theodore Plunkett. A scholar of ancient languages, Theodore’s detailed list of degrees and credentials were too numerous for his youthful appearance. His intelligence was vast; yet he was a personal master at comprehending and restoring the fantastic tales of Antonio Welshire and his mad family’s descent into the dark world of vampirism. From patriarch Antonio’s brutal human days to the coven’s near destruction by the rival Lilithan vampires and the ambiguous Mestiphles’ meddling appearances and disappearances; this Vampire Family’s history is very well documented through some centuries and bare and bleak in others. Some journals are utterly disturbing in their tales of blood and mayhem while other diaries are strangely heartfelt, bittersweet, and uncomfortably endearing.
The fire that brought these texts into my possession was education blessing enough-the lifetime epitome of Tut and Troy to most scholars. Some library men would be content to sit behind their musky parchments and read the decades away. I, however, have had the unique privilege of authenticating these documents as truth. Of course, that wasn’t until many years later; when Theodore arrived at my office door looking as young as the day we first met. On the plane to Philadelphia, I never suspected I would arrive at the doorstep of sisters Samantha and Victoria Welshire. I had read over five hundred years of their tall tales; yet here the startling beauties were, living and breathing before me fangs and all. Only then did I begin to realize the full extent of this familial coven.
The academic community may disagree with my claims; but this dark, sensational and unbelievable underground lifestyle has afforded me considerable gains. Today I live a quiet life among the Welshires, and their vast knowledge of history and the world has blessed me intellectually as well as financially. In this simple, ignorant time obsessed with youthfulness and beauty, I’ve seen immortal creatures age, know love, feel pain-even die and regain their humanity. I myself have been able to change; embracing surgeries and procedures I would not have considered before coming to know the Welshires. With no evil or nefarious means, this vampire knowledge and power has made me a new man inside out. It’s something I could never have fathomed before these burned books first came my way.....


So there! If you want pop horror and scary comedy, join the Horrofest happening on The Vampire Family Facebook page. Our webmistress Kristin keeps up with the times. I of course, do not- so stop texting me. Do, however, sext me, as I like the vamp BDSM pictures. Remember there's no blood necessary for the participation in any virtual Vampire Family events. Yet.

Thank you,

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